Littler Family Franco

Return To Saturn-

This is the notorious period of our life, which we hit every 30 years or so, where our life goes one of two ways -- we either take off soaring like an eagle, successful, happy and financially free, or everything crumbles around us and we fall apart.

For me it is the latter.....sort of

I know it has been a very a long time since I have posted any pictures or updates. Life as I had known it became almost unbearable and incredibly painful. I truly felt like I was going to die- like I could not continue. My focus was survival for my kids and I. I sort of withdrew from anything that distracted me from survival.

As many of you know, Eva, Cruz, Ruby and I quietly moved back to California in June. I worked to make their transition smooth, fun and easy. Naturally, we hit some minor bumps during the transition. But with the help of my family and friends, we smoothed those bumps out. I am proud to say that the kids love California and love being surrounded by family and friends. The are settled in their new school and they are thriving. Both kids made Principal's Honor Roll in the first quarter! They come home from school full of energy and excitement. They really enjoy their teachers and friends. We are blessed to part of a great school.

My transition....well that was tougher. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, spent days in disbelief that this was my life. Everything that I had worked so hard for crumbled down around me and the worse part was that I blamed myself. I felt that it was because of me everything was ending. Because of me, my children's lives would be forever changed......and that there was nothing I could do to fix it. Then one day it all started to change.

After MANY conversations and tears with my moms, family, friends and therapist, I gave myself permission to leave the pieces on the floor and move on. It was slow at first- consciously changing my thoughts and habits. No easy task for anyone but especially difficult for me. For years, I was made to feel not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not worth much, etc. Changing that belief system is constant work- being 100% present in my body and in my mind. But slowly, I started to pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other.

My journey really hasn't been nice and neat. It is messy at times and I hate that but I am learning to appreciate the process. As I stand on my own, it isn't all roses and cupcakes. I have crashed down, tumbled and have been bent till I almost break. But through all this sadness, I am shedding the layers of everything I am not. It is scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I realize now that I didn't know my own strength- physical or emotional. Each time, I get knocked down, I learn to stand. Its not easy and most of the time I get up but am still full of shock. But I am getting a taste of what I am made of.

I am incredibly thankful for my family. They have helped to keep my head above the water. They build me up - reminding me that I am great mama and great person. I remember a moment I had with myself when my world was crashing down- that through all this I wouldn't shut down or become cynical and bitter. Instead I chose to lead with an open heart. Telling myself that I would let this crack me open. Let it open me up to seeing things differently, learning new things, and letting all the bullshit piled on me go.

I firmly believe that what you get back what you put out. So while I am happy so say goodbye to 2014, it also brought amazing people into my life. Great things and amazing people arise from nightmares. I have had so many REAL people surround the kids and I with love and support. So even though I am still in many ways stuck in a nightmare, I choose to lead with love and open heart. Many don't understand that and that's okay. Its not their path to walk. But leading with an open heart makes me happy and shows my kids love is powerful. So CHEERS to 2015, my amazing kids and all the wonderful love and lessons on our path.